I was in therapy recently, It was brief because I thought most of it was a waste of time, Just me complaining a lot. In the long run complaining really doesn’t help anyone. But the therapist did say one thing that, at the time I disregarded, but after a lot of thought I decided that she might be onto something. She hypothesized that the root of most of my depression might be that I don’t know how to express anger. I now think maybe she was exceptionally talented at what she does or maybe it was something that all therapists use and it just fell on fertile ground. I don’t know which, most likely both. But It lead me to think about my anger a lot. I thought about it deeply. I thought long and hard about it. I spent months thinking about it. I now have a working hypothesis about it. I have a hypothesis because I try not to think in absolutes, so that later I can amend and, if need be, throw it out altogether. But I digress back to the subject at hand. All my life I have never properly expressed my anger. The hypothesis was that people were going to do things that were mean or not nice and that was okay because they just didn’t know any better. Most of the time I really didn’t understand why they were doing it. I was also nonresistant to their behavior towards me, I just tried to ignore it the best I could. I was mostly confused by it. I was never one of those people who “put someone in their place” I had always considered that rude and undignified. I felt that arguing or fighting about something like that would cause further unnecessary strife. I went about trying to figure out what I had done wrong to warrant such behavior towards me so that in the future I could avoid the unpleasantness. Did I unintentionally say something that was offensive? Did I give a look, a remark that was misinterpreted? I am definitely not a person who says things to intentionally hurt someone not my style. I approached it in a very cerebral way. I tried to figure it out. What could I do to help the situation? Oh I was angry about it, but at the time I didn’t realize that I was angry.
There is a whole history of my upbringing that greatly contributed to why I was unable to properly express my anger but I don’t really want to go into it because I cannot change the past I only need to acknowledge it. So here is how the scenario works. People are mean to me, they do or say things that are mean. I try to ignore it, I try to figure out what I had done wrong. Never expressing anger in return, only confusion about it. I began to internalize this anger towards me. There was something wrong with me obviously, but what was it? I couldn’t figure it out. After many years of this I decided that I was inherently unlovable and my feelings were wrong. There was something justified in how people treated me. I deserved this anger that was directed towards me., even though I could not understand it. I was fundamentally unlikable and so to get people to like me I had to act in a manner that betrayed who I was. This resulted in avoidance. I could only maintain who I wasn’t for short periods of time. I began to enjoy activities that were alone, by myself. Of course, this resulted in severe bouts of alienation and depression. Sometimes when the depression was too unbearable and I thought I was going to kill myself I would lash out with disproportional displays of pent up anger (an act of survival, i know that now) but most of the time i just tried to bear it.
I have spent most of my life suppressing my anger, to my detriment. I no longer want to do this. So I am teaching myself how to express my anger. I am teaching myself how to set boundaries. Being a people pleaser is a thing of the past. I am training myself to be impervious to other people’s opinions of me. I am no longer available to people who are mean. I will do what I want. I will express myself in the ways that I want. I will not be yelled at or belittled. I have learned to just walk away. If people do not understand me, well that is not my obligation anymore. I have tried, I will try no longer. If you understand me and like me, great! If you don’t, I no longer care. If you do something I feel is mean or belittling toward me, I will let you know, then I will let you go. Simple as that.
© 2024 Aadornament
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